here is something new in the hallways at PN this year: an abundance of planners. This year saw the start of a new policy cracking down on having a planner filled out as a hall pass every time a student needs to leave the classroom. Naturally, this has given rise to a multitude of opposition. A simple solution to this inefficient and backwards system would be to eliminate bathrooms altogether. This idea is beautiful because, coincidently, with no bathrooms at all there would be no need for a pass to the bathroom. There are no bathroom passes in the real world, and you aren’t always able to leave what you’re doing to use a bathroom anyway, so having no restrooms would better prepare our Portage Northern Huskies for real life situations and what lies to come. With no chances to go to the bathroom throughout the day, a student’s body will be automatically trained over time to have no need to use the bathroom between the ever so carefully selected hours of 7:45 a.m. and 3:00 p.m. This will ultimately be hugely beneficial for students, for as they venture off to the next part of their lives, their body will be primed for maximum efficiency. With no need for the occasional break to use the lou, an employee could get much more work done within the same time. Also, nothing is more environmentally friendly than no bathrooms at all. There has been all kinds of talk of going green; the school has already done an excellent job of this so far by minimizing not only the thickness, but the quality of their toilet paper, sacrificing useless comfort for the green initiative. Also green was the replacement of bathroom paper towel dispensers with hand dryers, which cut back immensely on paper towel waste. The dryers also do not effectively dry one’s hands, so students do not even use them, which is another step in the green direction because it reduces energy consumption.

Also, there will be no need for the costly hi-tech flushing system – capable of cutting back on gallons of water consumption per day – when the school takes their next big green leap forward by removing the bathrooms altogether!

The beautiful minds over at the hand dryer company have already tested and proven the brilliant idea that if less is more, than nothing is the most. With a metal box that only serves the purpose of aesthetics alone, they have already implemented the clever idea that the way to cut back on hand drying waste is simply just wet hands. On the down side, the hand dryer company, with their sleek design for a hand-drying contraption never to be used, presents us with nearly the only down side of eliminating the bathrooms: the visual appeal of the bathroom itself. Everyone finds great comfort in the tiled floors, humming fluorescent lights, and the great porcelain thrones, and that is why I suggest we implement some of the great innovation happening over at Fisher Price and create the same exact bathrooms, except only for show, similar to children’s mock kitchens and so on. Not actually functioning at all, the bathroom will still give the appeal of the familiar visual satisfaction we all know and love, not to mention making things more familiar by adding in air fresheners that produce an artificial aroma of urine faintly mixed with glass cleaner: the scent that has become a staple for school bathrooms everywhere. Another green advantage will be a nice healthy vegetable garden in the courtyard, conveniently fertilized by incoming freshmen whose bodies have yet to adapt to the process of only releasing waste before or after the school day.

The biggest benefit for schools is all the money that will be saved from the water bill that can be better distributed towards more essential financial needs, like paper clips and more computers and tvs, so that someday we can have a school of wall to wall endless monitors to further brainwash the students into compliance. Let’s be realistic, more brainwashing will be especially beneficial, especially as the school year wanes on. As the school year progresses, this new crack down on hall passes will slowly deteriorate and most likely by December students and teachers alike will be neglecting the system, which will only increase levels of disobedience and lack of care for this and other essential rules that hold our school together. That is a slippery slope we can not afford to begin, and that is why with no bathroom passes, and no bathrooms at all, the Portage Northern student population will thrive under class periods dedicated to learning and uninterrupted by nature’s calling.