Eric Staats, Copy Editor

A staff member at a Catholic High School was fired after being discovered in a porn video.
Said the school official who caught her, “I only watch those things for the ads.”

Despite all of the program’s failures, Hilary Clinton continues to support Obamacare as she campaigns for the 2016 election.
“Most support she’s done in awhile,” whispered an agitated Bill Clinton.

A new breed of saola, a gazelle like animal, has been discovered in Vietnam and was nicknamed the “Asian Unicorn.”
Meanwhile, aisle three of Meijer has nicknamed it “seasonal.”

A photo from a North Korean march has been floating around the internet, featuring a large group of nurses carrying firearms.
Unsurprisingly, China says that couples can only have one child in order to lower the population levels; Kim Jong Un just has… a different idea of how to do it.

The United Nations Human Rights Council has opened up seats to China and Saudi Arabia, both massive human rights violators, in order to “promote change.”
It’s like when we put the embargo on Cuba to make them become democratic. Or when Germany joined the League of Nations after World War 1 to stop future wars. I’m sure China and Saudi Arabia will come around, eventually.

Recently, John Kerry announced that he believes that Iran is planning to follow in North Korea’s shoes regarding nuclear weapons.
Which is good for us, since North Korea still can’t launch a missile.

The US border patrol seized 144 pounds of cocaine heading to Canada.
Said Rob Ford, the mayor of Toronto, currently dealing with a snorting scandal of his own, “They’ve already taken my powers as mayor, now this too?

Negotiators have announced that warlord Joseph Kony may be willing to surrender his child army.
All he needs is another 2,000 Facebook likes.

Vancouver makes a new law that makes knob handles illegal, in favor of levers, in order to help those with arthritis get through doors easier.
Which is about as useful as a pill that makes you forget you have Alzheimer’s.

This past month was the 50th anniversary of the JFK assassination, which based on the flood of conspiracy articles online, ended up being sort of like Christmas for anyone who’s ever worn a tinfoil hat.

Charles Mason, deranged criminal, has revealed to the public that he is dating a 25 year old, 50 years younger than him.
Just keep in mind—you’re still single, and the guy with a swastika on his forehead isn’t.