In this prime era of our lives, time is everything. Apparently 6-8 hours of sleep is necessary every night according to any “doctor,” but many don’t realize what an absolute failure of productivity that is. We’re wasting hours upon hours every night, and for what? Nothing! 

Now, forgoing sleep isn’t for everyone.  Infants, toddlers, and children who still act like toddlers are still growing and living non-consequential lives: after all, their choices have little impact on their future. Let them sleep. By the age of 14, however, sleep is no longer a necessity. 

What then is a necessity? Extreme productivity. How do you think those so-called “professionals” became successful? Without sleep of course. Ask a doctor how often they sleep and it will be obvious that they’re living their best lives through sleep deprivation. It’s time to join the ranks of the sleep-optional: with essays to write, TikTok videos to watch, and first world problems to complain about, the idea that teenagers need to get 6-8 hours of sleep has to be merely a suggestion anyway. There’s simply not time to do everything that needs to be done and sleep that much (or at all). 

You don’t even really benefit from sleep. All it provides in exchange for your precious time is alleged “renourishment” and “bodily regeneration.” Does it really, though? Do you ever wake up feeling nourished? Regenerated? Refreshed? Ready to start the day and be productive? Didn’t think so. What could be worse, then, than squandering the valuable length of time from 8pm to 6am with sleep? Choosing this night after night relegates us all to anti-productive and self- sabotaging sentient beings.

Seeking productivity or a sense of accomplishment? Don’t look too far, just budget the resources given to you. There is a solution to any problem. Finding yourself without money? Go make some money. Needing a new outfit? Go get that stylin’ new outfit!  Out of time? No problem. With absolutely zero hours of sleep each night, you can take your life back. Many of us can’t imagine what we would do with just one extra hour, let alone 6-8 of them! 

Feeling insecure? Stuck with no time in the morning to get ready? Never fear, with no sleep, you will have no problems! You will have all the time in the world to go on your own late night adventure towards self discovery and body positivity. Now that your confidence is higher than the clouds and you’re bursting with productivity, it’s time to celebrate with an ultra chic midnight fashion show. Rock every outfit in your closet to reel in the new you. Those new and surely subtle eye bags are the ultimate accessory to complete your new look. 

Tired? No problem. Many common forms of life-sustaining sustenance are readily available for immediate consumption. The pure existence of caffeine is clearly the universe telling us to live our lives against the monstrous devastation of sleep! Rely on a Starbucks coffee, instant canned energy drink, or energy shot to fuel your newfound productive time with absolutely no crash or negative side effects! 

Doctors and other high-ranking professionals know the true secret to life: zero sleep is what’s required in order to always be ahead of your enemies. They’ve simply been deceiving us this whole time, because our loss is their gain. Time is a limited resource, and life is the ultimate race. Don’t waste time on anyone else’s schedule, live on your own schedule that runs 24/7.