Congrats, you’re broke again!
February 4, 2020
Whether you have AirPods, AirPods 2, or no AirPods at all, I’m sure that you, like me, are feeling rather broke this holiday season. It’s not because of how much money we have, or because of our mental health. It’s because of the newcomer to the headphones game: AirPods Pro. We have lost all status we once claimed to have because of these new headphones. And why not? With active noise cancellation, audio transparency mode, water/sweat resistance, and an in-ear design with three sets of tips, these new pods are undoubtedly the peak status symbol of the in-ear headphone game. Even Santa’s elves, with all of their magical powers and toy-making skills, are put to shame by the sheer perfection of these pods. If they had all year to try, those elves couldn’t hope to make something that comes even close to the utter beauty and sheer cool exuded by the AirPods Pro. It would be simply impossible. They make all other headphones look like garbage.
No Raycon, Powerbeats, or any other headphones come close to the glory of the Apple AirPods Pro. I know I certainly feel broke as I walk down the halls with my ears empty, not listening to any sweet tunes. When I look around the halls, I see people with the ultimate headphones in their ears and I can’t help but envy them. They exude high status, and everyone around them pales in comparison to their sheer swag. So if anyone reading this is looking for gift ideas, or something to put on their wish list, look no further. Give the gift of status and superiority. Give the ability to walk around knowing that you are quite possibly the single coolest person to have ever existed. Give AirPods Pro. And sure, they may be ridiculously expensive at about $250, but why not? For the level of cool and swagger that exudes from all those that pop these magical earbuds in, $250 is a small price to pay.
I would pay thousands of dollars to have these wonderful pieces of plastic. I would stop eating, drinking, going out, or having friends if I knew that in the end, those glorious Pods would be mine for the taking. But, don’t give them to me this year. Knowing Apple, they’ll soon be obsolete garbage. I’ll wait for the AirPods 3, thank you very much.
Joel Fazal • Sep 13, 2020 at 10:10 pm
Is this even satire? because I feel this is really based on facts. walk down any school lunch hour and you’ll see all the kids with air pods pros on one table and the kids with regular air pods on another table .
mya loc • Sep 13, 2020 at 1:26 pm
I agree with this. I really dislike how in today’s world it is always about what you own and how much it cost for people and not what is your personality or let me get to know you. And how kids now don’t feel good enough about themselves if they don’t own any AirPods.
Kai Williams • Sep 11, 2020 at 1:29 pm
t sucks seeing a bunch of kids walking around with airpod pros and I only have the 1st airpods. It makes me sad that I only have the regular airpods. I love the satir in this.
Canyon Torres • Sep 10, 2020 at 1:39 pm
I agree with you completely, It always felt as though if someone didn’t have a pair of Airpod Pros they were poor. Although many people had regular Airpods, they didn’t feel in a high enough class due to the headphones they had weren’t expensive enough. Amazing satire!
Kai Pennington • Mar 6, 2020 at 7:54 am
I love the relative timing, and agree completly! This being satire is awesome