Things I thought were cool in fifth grade

Alaina Taylor, Opinion Editor

Tasteful side-ponies, velour sweatsuits and Disney Channel Radio. These three spectacular things were the foundation of my fifth grade existence. 2008 was an odyssey of poor fashion choices and Dance Dance Revolution, and was my absolute favorite year.

I thought that I was literally the reincarnation of Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana “I loved Hannah Montana because it showed how anyone can have a dream no matter where they came from. I mean, she drove tractors in Tennessee and then she moved out to LA with millions of fans,” said Abby Hensley (11).  I don’t have much to say about Cyrus’s current fashion choices, but back in the day, she was my IDOL. Jean vests? check. Babydoll sweaters? check. Funky sequined hats? You better believe it. I would totally deck myself out in my best imitation of the brunette Buddha.

Lip Gloss Addiction Being a Harry Potter obsessed kid with Cara Delevingne eyebrows (before they were in) had its perks, but my exposure to “cool” things was limited. So naturally, I thought the best way to be cool was to wear enough lip gloss to literally blind people when the sun hit my lips. “I went hardcore lip gloss. I had to put two colors on. I was like, ‘I’m so cool, look at me and my lipgloss.’ I was so awkward in 2008, I can’t even,” said Olivia Smith (11).

Camp Rock Don’t try to tell me that Camp Rock didn’t touch your soul. That scene where Shane got on stage with Mitchie and they sang together- 5th grade relationship goals. “I actually had a huge party to celebrate the release of Camp Rock,” said Maddie Lockhart (11). “We sang along to the soundtrack and made cookies shaped like Joe Jonas. I was really cool,” she continues. Personally, I owned a colored disco ball, which would lead to rockin’ jam seshs to such classics as “Too Cool For You” ( I wasn’t) “Start the Party” (I couldn’t) and “We Rock” ( I don’t know who “we” is, but we most likely didn’t).

The Suite Life OH MY GOSH. This show literally fuelled my existence. I totally had a crush on Cody, because he was smart and the good guy. Zack completely annoyed me. “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody had good humor,” said Hensley. One episode in particular was monumental. It was the Halloween one, where Zack and Cody stayed in suite 613, which was supposedly haunted. The worst part was when the painting on the wall moved its eyes. Oh, man. Nightmares for months. But I would always watch it when it was on mostly because I had thrill issues. “The haunted suite life episode was quite terrifying for a little kid. Who am I kidding? That episode is horrible whether you’re 8 or 50,” said Mattison.

The Fifth Grade Talent Show “The fifth grade talent show was a snafu. A snafu from the past that should never be mentioned in the present nor future,” said Jenna Mattison (11). My friends and I met for weeks before the show to rehearse. We painstakingly planned our coordinating outfits, choreographed our dance, and fought over who would get to stand in the center of the stage.  We were one of the last acts, so we sat through “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, a rap about McDonald’s, a dance in the stylings of MC Hammer (performed by one of the other writers for the PNL, who shall remain nameless), and one kid who acted out famous crashes and falls from cartoons. Finally, we got on stage, all wearing differently colored rainbow scarves, and assembled ourselves in a line. Finally the first notes of the song filled the gym and we started to dance along. Oh, what song was it? The Cha-Cha Slide. We spent weeks rehearsing the CHA-CHA SLIDE. A song where they literally tell people, step-by-step, how to dance to the song. “We were trying to be #amazing but we were actually #awkward,” said Smith.

Throwback to 2008

  • The Dark Knight is the number one grossing movie of the year.
  • President Barack Obama is elected to office.
  • Apps that simulate fake calls are developed to get people out of awkward conversations, although it was never used for this purpose.
  • Tina Fey IS Sarah Palin on every episode of SNL.
  • A breakthrough in stem- cell research leads to a deeper understanding of ALS, possibly leading to a cure.
  • Wall-E happened. That’s a good thing.
  • There was a pregnant guy???????
  • Michael Phelps totally slayed at the Olympics.
  • “So What” by P!nk hits mega- popularity.
  • “Burnin’ Up” by the Jonas Brothers answered all our prayers.