A better way
February 19, 2019
Obviously, having been going to church for a while at that point, I had heard the name of Jesus several time, but still didn’t really know what to expect. I kept ignoring the name when sitting through hours of services in the middle school group because I didn’t really know who He was, and I didn’t have the courage to talk to someone about it who could give me more insight. The main reason why I went to church, other than my father taking me, was that I had friends there, people who really cared about me, and I just wanted to have fun and get to know them better. At that point, the Jesus stuff was secondary.
Even after that monumental night at camp when I was saved, in my personal relationship with the Lord, I didn’t know how to do anything. Many of my friends talked about how they heard from the Lord and they spoke to him, so I decided to try it for myself. Honestly, I thought I had to just sit in silence and wait to hear the Lord speak. I was wrong.
The weeklong trip inspired me to start making an actual friendship with the Lord. One night, alone in my room, I put on my fan so that my mother would assume I was sleeping. Using a list that I had written hours before, I started to ask questions rather than talking about how my story went, because if the Lord knows who I am, he would know what has happened in my life. “Why did I struggle with speech therapy?” was the first question I asked. After many more, I finally got to, “Why did everything had to happen to me? I tried to be such a good person. I don’t understand why bad things happen to good people.” I couldn’t handle the weight and emotions of all these questions, and rivers of tears fell down my cheeks. I fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow that night, but the Lord heard all of my questions and he answered them each to me in His own time.
As each question was answered, my pain left a little at a time. Many of the answers to my questions were hidden in the Bible: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,’”said Jeremiah 29:11-14. This verse was the first thing that the Lord spoke to my heart as He tried to tell me to trust in Him with his plans for my life and and to continue to have faith when walking daily, even when I have to walk through storms like the ones I had experienced in the past.